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Tim Kincaid’s 1986 Breeders

What do you get when you put a no name actor is a black rubber suit and slather him in black colored oily goo? The alien in a really bad cheesy 80’s flick telefonni cislo.

What do you get when you take those 5 naked bimbos and throw them into an alien vat of watered down body lotion designed to look like alien semen so they can lather themselves up repeatedly on camera? Cheap and tawdry thrills of a really bad cheesy 80’s flick.

And what do you call a really bad cheesy 80’s flick with all the above ridiculous elements? You call it one of director’s Tim Kincaid’s contributions to the world of B movies.

You call it Breeders.

breedersAhh, what a tasty delight! The acting was horrid, the main characters were all lacking in expression (obviously reciting memorized lines), and everything was so blatantly staged! One scene in particular was of a woman who had just come home from work and proceeded to undress while talking to her mother on the phone, stressing that yes, she was still a “good girl” (translation: still a virgin.) After hanging up, a man “breaks” in to her apartment (more like strolls in from around the corner) wielding a rather small steak knife, throws her on the bed she just happens to be standing by, and instructs her of how she and he are going to get naked and get their groove on. The whole time she is just staring at him, looking as though she is eagerly anticipating the moment when he jumps on her. She says nothing to him at all and just lays there. But then rubber oiled alien guy walks in and attacks the intruder. THAT is when she beings to scream. I am thinking she is screaming because the alien robbed her of her forced tryst with the knife guy, but I think the director’s objective was to have us think she was screaming because a scary bad alien showed up out of nowhere.

Now what female do you know is going to lay silently while some guy breaks into her home with the intention of raping her? I sure as hell wouldn’t. I’d be screaming my head off and running as fast as my feet could carry me, alien or not! Not this chippy with really bad tan lines and small boobs though. No sir’ee!

On a side note I think I should warn you to take a look at the director of this film, Tim Kincaid. In case you decide to watch this film, you should know that Tim was apparently big in directing soft core and adult gay porn. In the 80’s he tried to go “straight” by getting married to a woman of all things, and took a hiatus from the gay world. He directed a couple of really B naked chick flicks, Breeders being one of them (worry not; his attempt to go straight was short lived, as was his marriage.)

I mention this bit of trivia simply to give you a heads up that there are a number of sexual references and suggestions, as well as lots of gratuitous boob shots, tush shots, and the occasional flash of bush. Definitely B, and definitely more nudity than is required.

breeder9So anyway these 5 chicks just all happen to be virgins (and in the 80’s of all decades - go figure) and end up raped by the oily alien. Only for the most part, they do not know their attacker is an alien until after the assault has begun. See this alien takes over the bodies of men it encounters so as to get close to the young virgins, but but ends up shedding the bodies in a heap of gelatinous goop when he gets hot and bothered, and I must confess that the graphics used to portray this shedding was rather impressive, especially for the 80’s.

And of course all these young victimized virgins coincidentally all end up in the same hospital to be treated by the same (and rather expressionless) doctor who - get this - is also a virgin! What are the odds?!

Then of course we are introduced to the almost equally expressionless detective on the case who looks as though he couldn’t catch a wingless fly with broken legs. Ironically he looks somewhat like Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink. Now how in the hell did I ever think he was cute??

Soon detective man and virgin doctor woman are hot on the case and find themselves at the heart of it all in the tunnels underneath the City of New York. It’s here that we learn the alien is trying to father offspring in the form of the uber human. Unfortunately however oily alien thing has not been so successful as evidenced by his first and only offspring thus far. OMG what a thing his kid is! And such a hoot! It looked like a Venus Flytrap on acid.

alien babyBut the best part is when the detective goes on attack. He unloads about 5 or 6 rounds from his little .38 into the alien child but doesn’t even phase it. He resorts to striking the mongoloid little thing with the hilt of his gun and still cannot phase it. Virgin doctor chick (who has been standing by twiddling her thumbs during the whole ordeal) decides to get involved by taking a stick and hitting the alien child in the head. Get this now - the alien goes down!!! Ohh wow! I was laughing so hard at this point. Bullets slamming into it does not phase the alien offspring, but one hit on the neck with a stick and he’s down for the count. WOW - did I mention this movie was classic B???

Fans of movies such as 1985’s The Stuff and 1988’s The Blob will certainly appreciate the brilliant cheesiness of this movie. And if you’re not careful, you might even find yourself enjoying it. I know I did. I cannot wait to watch it again!